Author's notes: Putting Inversed on hold for a little bit, waiting for the inspiration to return. Yes, the title is Spanish, something that would be considered weird in a Slayers fanfic… oh, well. ^_^ That’s what you get from a Spanish 4 student who’s had too much to study. And LF, the title means 'Darkness', right?

Silence.

Blessed silence.

Frightening silence.

Cold silence.

She slid down, her back against the wall, and pulled her knees to her chest.

Silence. Finally.

The moon was high in the midnight blue sky, an arc of cruel silver that shed the only light that could be seen. The small house/shop was dark, silent. It was too late, or too early, rather, for anyone to be up. Except her.

Tightly, she held herself, hoping that is the grip was strong enough, everything can be kept in. All this pain and loneliness. Despair. If she held on and never let go, these hateful feelings won’t fly out uncontrollably, won’t hurt this fragile happiness she is protecting.

If she can hold on long enough, maybe they’ll go away.

Her chest tightened, clenched involuntarily as a sob escaped her. She was never strong enough to hold it in…tears slowly ran down her cheeks, wetting the cloth of her shirt as she tried to blink them away, tried to ignore them.

Silence.

Isn’t ignoring them the best and easiest way? If she didn’t think about it, it didn’t hurt as much, as badly.

But at times like this, when she felt so alone… the thoughts surface, the thoughts haunt her… in the bustle of the day, it was easy to ignore the questions inside. When she would have to sit here and ponder… the more she thought, the more the feelings refuse to be imprisoned. The more they want out.

Am I happy?

Yes. No. Maybe…

It was the monumental task that was in front of her, repenting and finding some way to find redemption for something that she took no part in. Yet the blood that was spilled stained her fingers, just as readily as they had stained the hands of the actual killers. She could not bear to forget what came to pass, although it was not her fault.

"How can I ever make it up to you? How do I seek your forgiveness? Valgarv, tell me what I can do to make you stop all this!"

How innocent she had been, thinking that merely asking would bring relief. How innocent…naďve…She hugged her knees closer, feeling slightly comforted by the warmth. Sometimes words cannot make up for actions. Actions must make up for actions.

That was why she devoted her life to this, to bringing him up and giving him a new chance at life. Is that enough? Will it ever be enough? She really doubted that making him happy would redeem her from the slaughter of the whole race. That one memory of warmth and love will counter the memory of his people, his family, his everything laying cold and still in the frozen north. That laughter will replace the deathly silence.

But she will try. She had no idea if it’s right or wrong, but she will try.

It’s just the uncertainty...

…and guilt…

…and silence.

The darkness welled up inside, the voice that she tried to hard to silence.

It wasn’t my fault, why do I have to suffer for this? I don’t deserve this, I deserve better. It’s all their fault for messing up. I hate my life. I want to leave them all behind, to hell with it all.

It shamed her, knowing that she felt this way, knowing that all those hurtful and selfish feelings are still inside her, still talking. Knowing that even though she had no right to say those things, she was thinking them. Knowing that as good and kind as she tried to be, there’s still a part of her that wanted to hurt the others and cared for no one but herself. It was that shame that made her miserable, made her like this. Made her cry in the middle of the night like a brokenhearted girl.

I hate them all.

The voice wouldn’t go away, neither would her tears. Gods, she hated feeling like this. What’s worse is knowing that there’s no way she could talk to anyone. There’s no one that she could confide in…she didn’t want to confide in someone… she just wanted somebody… anybody… that’ll hold her and let her cry, without asking all the questions. She didn’t want to answer the questions. If she refused to answer the questions inside her mind, why would she answer them for another person?

The moon shone though the window of the small room, casting dark, eerie shadows everywhere. No light without darkness, no darkness without light. It wasn’t long before she noticed the strange shadow cast over her and looked up.

"Hello, Filia-chan."

Any other time… any other place any other situation, she would have whipped out her mace and tried to kill him.

Any other time.

Instead, she put her head in her arms. Maybe he’ll go away, she was too tired from crying to make him. Life seemed so unfair.

"Please leave." She whispered, feeling more wetness trail down her cheeks. Gods, she hated crying. Waiting… she expected him to ask. He didn’t need to ask, he knew exactly what was wrong. Maybe he’ll find some way to make the jagged edge of memory dig in deeper, more painfully, by some careless words. Heaven knows that is what he does best.

Sound of cloth shifting as he moved towards her. She didn’t care anymore, it hurted so badly. She was so alone…

Warm hands pulling her, gathering her into an embrace. She blinked, confused, as he patted her head and cradled her gently.

I know how it feels, the move seemed to say.

She was… well, confused was a way to say it, but somehow, not that surprised. Of course he would know how darkness feels, he is darkness, in many ways. Yet… isn’t this what she wanted?

Warmth. Comfort. No questions.

Wrapping her arms around him, she cried her full, feeling him stroke her hair subconsciously. Maybe it was the night. Maybe it was the loneliness. Maybe it was just the darkness inside her.

Much later, she sighed sleepily against his chest. There was a sort of exhaustion that takes over after releasing pent up emotions that she finally succumbed to. It was a rather pleasant feeling, actually. Like the way one feels right before sleep overcomes them.

"Feel better?"

She nodded, smiling a little. "Sorry I got your shirt all wet." She murmured. He chuckled and shook his head.

"It’ll dry."

Silence.

Comfortable silence.

Something tugged at her awareness, the feeling that she had something to ask… what was it? "Xelloss…"

"Hmm?"

"How do you do it? How do you keep the darkness at bay? How do you make up for something that you can never make up for?"

Silence.

"Darkness is part of all of us, Filia-chan. As long as we’re alive, there will be darkness and light inside." His shoulders moved in a shrug and he kissed her forehead." As to keeping it at bay… it stops working after awhile. You just have to learn to accept that it’s part of you, just like your heart or your conscience."

Silence.

"How…" her voice sounded strange, almost thick. "How do you ask for forgiveness?"

How do you ask? She could feel uncertainty from him, as if he was weighing his options. Was it a secret that he needed to keep?

"Forgiveness…" He said distantly, as if remembering, "is not always possible. It depends on what you did." She bit her lip and he rubbed her shoulders soothingly. "Just remember… maybe you can’t make up for something that is already done. Maybe there’s no way to take it back. Just take everything one step at a time." He fell silent, and she could almost feel his eyes on her. "If you can get one person to forgive you… then you’ve succeeded, because they know that you’re sorry."

Silence.

Seeing once again, the devastation of her clan. Seeing once again, all the pain and anguish that he alone had caused. Seeing the lonely little Golden Dragon that cried herself to sleep every night.

Fields of dead Ancient Dragons at their icily silent temple, stretched out like sacrifices on the pointed spears of her people. One lone survivor that had to give up everything just to live on for revenge that was forever denied him.

"Xelloss…"

Silence. Hesitation. Fear?

"Hmm?"

Ask for forgiveness… one person at a time.

"I forgive you."

Author's Final Note: GRR! I’m NOT a romantic! NONONO! Umm... how like? Comments? I suppose I would be lying if I said I had no Xel/Filia bias...